At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
