did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
