and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
