You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
