Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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