Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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