omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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