I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
