dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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