My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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