You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
