I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
