He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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