I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
