yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
