tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
