i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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