I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Randomize
