I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
