Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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