Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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