there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
