do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
