I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
