I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
