I heard we made out
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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