Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Everything about him screamed your future.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
