I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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