I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
this boner is exhausting
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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