I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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