suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
