Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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