I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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