Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
