soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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