We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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