I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
