Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
