Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
