come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
