in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
