when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
