Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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