just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
