life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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