Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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