she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
