Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
