You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
