He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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