hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Bring me that man meat
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
